Modesty- My Perspective

Starters I did not write this, my friend did. But I thought it was too good not to share.

What started this?

Perverts. Just a bunch of perverts. Right?

I went to BYU-Idaho, and in my senior year, just before graduation, there was a whole lot of hoo-ha about skinny jeans. It went national. It was quite the experience. A male Testing Center employee turned a girl away from taking a test due to her breaking the Honor Code by wearing skinny jeans. After a whole lot of debate, they determined that skinny jeansweren’t against the Honor Code. (But capris and flip-flops were still out!) (Maybe you can hear a bit of disagreement in that, and you’re probably right. But that’s not the point.) More recently, leggings are the fad. And this is what started it. There was an article written by a girl attending BYU Provo, who mentioned that she had every right to wear leggings if she wanted to. It wasn’t her fault if some pervert men found her leggings provocative. It wasn’t her responsibility, and she wanted to wear her leggings.

Now, I was minding my own business, trying to radiate peace, love, acceptance, and keep my over-opinionated thoughts to myself, one evening, when my fiancé and I were talking. Nathan brought up that he had apparently read this article, and wanted to talk about it! (Some day he may learn to not get me started! God help him!) Nathan didn’t like the article. He didn’t like the attitude of the article. And he especially didn’t like being called a pervert. And the truth is, I don’t like him being called a pervert, either! I don’t like him being put in situations where there is even the remotest risk of him being thought of as a pervert! Because he’s not!

So I guess that got me started on wanting to talk about my feelings on modesty.

Growing up, in my church ward, my nickname was Grace R. McConkie, because I saw the world and the commandments as black and white, just like my buddy Bruce R. Keep the commandments, was my motto. Just do it! Stop making excuses and do it! And modesty has always been one of those commandments I’ve felt gung-ho about. Why? Maybe because I was sick of boys going for the sorts of girls that dressed like that, and I was jealous, or maybe because I was sick and tired of feeling social pressure to wear that tight, cute crap when all I wanted to do was wear oversized hoodies and sweaters. I don’t know. But that’s not really the point either. I’ve just always felt strongly about modesty.

As I have figured it, modesty is a commandment, quite similar to the Word of Wisdom. (Don’t drink alcohol, smoke, etc.) As a missionary for the church, I heard people debate and argue, all the time, that alcohol was good for you. Red wine is healthy. A little bit of booze goes a long way on loosening up a tense conversation, etc. But being drunk can make some loud and inconsiderate to the value and comfort of those around them. It can cause health problems for some, and lead others to addictions, which ruin individuals and families. Together, in our church, we all decided that we would keep the Word of Wisdom for the benefit of everyone, as that commandment was, “Given for a principle with promise, adapted to the capacity of the weak and the weakest of all saints, who are or can be called saints.” (D&C 89:3). Though some may not be affected by its negative consequences, others, the weak and the weakest, are.

Modesty is the same way. Some people could, potentially, hang out in strip clubs every day for the rest of their lives and never think a single unchaste thought. (Highly unlikely, but let’s give them the benefit of the doubt.) Like the man who can drink a dozen beers and still drive home, safe and sound, some people just aren’t as affected. It just never gets to the point where it’s a distraction. But some certain styles of dress are a distraction for some. You can’t just smoke a cigar at the doctor’s office and blow smoke in people’s faces, and still rightfully claim “It’s their problem.” It is everyone’s responsibility to help each other. That’s part of what being in a Zion community means. Zion means teamwork.

I fear that a lot of our girls don’t really understand that men and women are different, on a biological level. I’m not talking about anatomy. I’m talking about differences in brain structure, operation, and chemistry. (I’m not going to go into detail. They have classes for that kind of thing.) There’s a lot of ignorance in our culture – coming from the girl who had to explain the birds and the bees to her twenty-one year old roommate, in college, when she got a boyfriend. (And trust me. I’ve heard of much worse!) I fear that a lot of our girls just haven’t taken the time to learn how men work, and how their physical drives and responses are actually quite natural, common, and good. The original missionary lesson on chastity pointed out the biological “plus side” to those drives – that it helps men accept the responsibility of home and family life. (Whereas, all you have to do is pretty much show a girl a picture of a puppy, and she wants her own babies – ASAP!)

Good men have these natural responses. My fiancé, his roommates, and I, went to a “Ward Prayer” one night, where the youth of our singles ward gathered to hear a spiritual thought and pray together, on a Sunday night. And I was distracted. The thing that I, the modesty Nazi, noticed above all, was that there were so many leggings. SO MANY LEGGINGS. Cute, petite little Freshmen running around in leggings, all the colors of the rainbow, and patterns. Now, I’m a social worker, naturally. Reading the body language around me, I could also see that I wasn’t the only one noticing the leggings. There were a lot of young men noticing those leggings, too, and many were flocking like house flies. When we got back to my fiance’s apartment, I mentioned my observations, and immediately heard, on all sides, the brave, honest opinions of good men – my fiancé and his roommates. One observed that he had a difficult time even hearing what one of the girls was sharing, because of her legs. Those leggings on all those legs had triggered a natural response in my boys, and consequently, their thoughts.

Now those were single boys talking, and the shrinky social worker in me needed to get some more data. But the observations were the same all around. My happily married father, and happily married brother, as well as several friends also agreed that yes, they found leggings on some women sexually distracting. (Not the obese women, apparently. Obese leggingswere distracting, but not in a sexual way.)

So I would ask you to forgive me, for the rest of this post. I want you to know that hearing these things from my boys, from my fiancé, from my family members and friends, has elicited in me a protective instinct. So listen up, women, because you are the offenders.

“Pervert” is not a Zion word.

I am sick and tired of women putting down men to try and justify their actions. You can’t blame men for their natural responses. It’s time for you to “man up,” and take responsibility for your own desires and actions, just like you want them to do for themselves. It’s time to stop viewing men, and even God, as barriers to how you want to look. Stop being selfish in your style, and start dressing in a way that shows respect for yourself, as the beautiful gift God has made you to be. Start dressing in a way that is respectful and loving to those around you, rather than the attention-stealing, “in your face” offensive, or, as one of my loving co-workers would call it – “Eye Rape.” Our responding attitude cannot be one of elitist inconvenience. As members of the community of Zion, we are a team. We ought, rather, to see our dress standards as a loving, respectful service to all.

In New Testament times, there were some members of the church who understood Christ’s role in the gospel, and subsequently felt that they knew more than others did. They fell into a bad habit, of, well, taking meat that had been offered as sacrifice by others, and eating it for themselves, thereby mortally offending those who had been sincere in their sacrificial offerings. Were they wrong? They understood that Christ was sent to be the ultimate sacrifice for our sins, and that the sacrifices of the offended offerers were pointless. The meat had no power to save souls. It was, really, just meat. But Paul counseled them, however, that they ought to, “Take heed lest by any means this liberty of yours become a stumblingblock to them that are weak… And through thy knowledge shall the weak brother perish, for whom Christ died? But when ye sin so against the brethren and wound their weak conscience, ye sin against Christ. Wherefore, if meat make my brother to offend, I will eat no flesh while the world standeth, lest I make my brother to offend.” (1 Corinthians 8: 9, 11-13) Can we take that attitude? I’m not going to wear that shirt ever again, so long as the world stands, so I never risk showing too much cleavage and distracting that good brother who is trying, so hard, to keep his thoughts clean and pure.

Did you know that pornography and sexual addiction are problems? Now, I’m not talking about the people somewhere else, far, far away from here. I’m not talking about Joe Joe over there with all the sinners. No, I’m talking about good people. I’m talking about Mormons. I’m talking about Mormons in your city, in your neighborhood, in your ward. I’m talking about the guy sitting on the pew in church two rows back. Because you know what? It’s that prevalent. It’s probably more like all twenty of those brothers on the pews surrounding you, on Sunday.

Becoming a social worker in Provo was perhaps one of the most frighteningly eye-opening experiences I could ever have had. Now, I thought I was going to be a social worker in Provo. I thought I was going to be lucky if I saw a single tattoo, on any given day. But I soon realized that it wasn’t the people with tattoos, who weren’t “Mormon,” who would have all the “problems.” It was the Mormons, too. It was that lady who just finished her session at the temple who’s coming in for a suicidal drug overdose. It was the stake patriarch who was a rapist. It was the good return missionaries who had porn problems. Now, I’m not even talking about the guys who have huge pornography problems – the ones who have to watch violent child or geriatric porn to feel anything, anymore, because they’ve grown so blunted to everything else. I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about the return missionary struggling with depression due to his self-loathing, because he just can’t stop looking at porn. No matter how hard he tries. You would like him. He’s an awesome guy. And you would never know that he had that problem. Pornography addiction is a day to day thing that I see as a social worker. Every day. And that’s no exaggeration.

Triggers are everywhere. Just try walking down the street, one day, and see how far you can make it before you see something sexually suggestive. It’s the commercial on TV. It’s the magazine at the check-out line in WalMart. And you can’t just tell those boys to stop watching the news, stop shopping at stores. Life must go on, and so they are accosted on all sides by this constant reminder, this constant trigger which is treacherously enticing and addictive. There are so many good men who have these problems, or have had problems in the past that they are trying to recover from. When you dress immodestly, sisters, you are dressing like a trigger, which, again, is NOT HELPING. Zion is about teamwork. You must recognize that your actions have effects on other people.

I’ve heard a lot of girls complain about modesty. They want to be cute! They want to be attractive! And it’s true! There’s nothing wrong with being attractive. But there is a difference between being sexually attractive, versus its opposite – modestly attractive. Can you look at yourself and what you’re wearing and comfortably recognize your divine origin? Would you feel comfortable wearing it if you were to hang out with Christ, one day? Are you treating your body with the sanctity and respect it requires? Are you treating your body in such a way that you require others to see your body with holiness, dignity, and respect? Never take the gift of your body for granted. You are not your own, and you were bought with a price (1 Corinthians 6:20).

Now, Jesus wants you to look presentable. I’m not saying you have to dress like our floral, lace-collared pioneer roots, so don’t take the request to dress modestly as people telling you to dress like a frumpy sister missionary – and that’s coming from someone who diddress like a frumpy sister missionary! We’re not asking you to do that. But we are asking you to be less concerned about what’s popular or trendy to the world, and instead focus on God’s fashion sense. He knows both what looks good, and what compliments your soul. So rather, take His advice.

For the Strength of the Youth lays it out pretty clearly. “Immodest clothing is any clothing that is tight, sheer, or revealing in any other manner. Young women should avoid short shorts and short skirts, shirts that do not cover the stomach, and clothing that does not cover the shoulders or is low-cut in the front or back.” If the primary fabric material of your clothing is spandex, chances are, you’re dressed immodestly. That’s leggings, and that’s tight shirts. These things are no different than being butt-naked after dying your skin a different color. They leave nothing to the imagination. Everything is visible and seen. Sheer fabrics are coming out on the scene, too. Lace is the new thing, right? Sheer stuff? (Granted, yeah, I’m hopeless. I think that’s the case, but I could be completely off base.) Sister, if I can see your bra straps through it, you’re dressed immodestly. If I can see your shoulders through it, you’re immodest. So the skirt reaches the floor, and is loose and flowing. If I can see your legs through it, you are dressed immodestly. Stop it. Whatever your reason is for doing it, stop it. (If you’re wearing compression socks for a medical reason, you’re fine. They’re tight, but you’re wearing them with other clothing. Don’t panic!) ;)

There is an appropriate time and a place to run around in your underwear. Granted, this is true. And this is coming from someone who, let’s be honest… J It is an okay time to run around in your underwear if: 1) It’s the middle of the summer in an un-airconditioned apartment with your same-gendered missionary companion, who is suffering through the humidity and heat with you. 2) You are home alone with all the windows drawn, while you wash dishes and sing. 3) You are in the privacy of your own home with your spouse, and you are treating each other with holiness, love, and respect. It is inappropriate to dress in revealing clothing at any other time. (Alright, you don’t have to sing while you wash the dishes.)

I heard an interesting statistic the other day, which shocked me. Over 90% of the work that the tailors at the Missionary Training Center have to do is lengthening Sister Missionaries’ skirts. Now, these are women in the church who went through a rigorous process to even become missionaries. They understood and were sent instructions on the expectations, when they went to the MTC, in terms of standards of dress and conduct. And yet ninety percent of the tailors’ work is still lengthening those skirts. And yes, this is including tailoring done for holes in Elders’ slacks! Sisters do not seem to understand that they are pushing the limits, and often, even when they feel they are safely on the right track, there are still a few more inches to go.

This month’s Ensign magazine, for the church, is all about morality. Why would they come out with this Ensign topic, if it wasn’t a problem? They wouldn’t. Not in the way that they did. Members of the church are beginning to subscribe to the attitude of getting as close to the cliff edge as they can get, in keeping the commandments. This is the wrong attitude to have. We live in the world. We are affected by it every single day. Yet we must never be a part of the world. We cannot take the world’s counsel and advice over the counsel and advice given to us by our inspired leaders, and by the commands of a kind, loving, all-knowing God. We cannot let the norms, traditions, and habits of the world become our own. We cannot push as close as we can get to peril, and expect it not to poison us.

It doesn’t matter what everybody else is doing – what everybody else thinks is okay, and even many Mormons are wrong in their attitudes and actions. Our purpose is not to push our brothers to the edge of the line in terms of sexual desire, or even kissing and foreplay before marriage! We are to be conservative in our affections and dress. Our goal shouldn’t be to lead them as close to the bedroom door as possible, without crossing that line. Our goal and our purpose ought to be to inspire our brothers, to inspire all others, to turn their thoughts and their hearts to God, in all times and in all things.

The modesty crisis is one which, for one reason or another, is becoming a question in our church and culture once again. So I guess I conclude, once more, on that disgusting word – pervert – that led me to all of this. It is a word which shows a disregard for another’s welfare, for their worth and divine origin. It is a word which ignores the personal struggles, pains, and taints of this world, and sets one up as better than another. Isaiah, the prophet, spoke of the last days, of a time when, “the daughters of Zion are haughty, and walk with stretched forth necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go.” (Isaiah 3:16). “Haughty,” defined, means – arrogantly superior and disdainful. “Wanton” is – sexually immodest or promiscuous. To me, the time in which we live is a fulfilling of this prophecy. We are the daughters of Zion, and our struggle against the simple command to dress ourselves respectfully, and love our fellow-man, is case in point to the times Isaiah foretold.

Sisters. Forget about men, when it comes to modesty. Forget what they are doing wrong, or even if they think immodest dress is “okay,” or attractive. Forget about how you may or may not even like men, or trust them, their eyes or their actions. Forget about the social pressures around you. Forget about your self-doubt and self-perceptions.

Those things do not matter to the followers of Christ. Focus on what you have been commanded to do, and learn to take and act on some good advice, even if you can’t understand its long reaching consequences.  You are responsible for yourself and for your own actions. Recognize that your actions affect all of us, and you will be held accountable, in the end, for the knowledge that you have.